Priorities And Decisions

And I thought I was over it. ..
HDC Play...
Tomorrow is CP2 online and here I was in Auditorium with some wingies waiting for the play to start.
And I thought I was over it...
I met people from the club in the aisle. They greeted me enthusiastically. It was raining heavily and the guy on whose cycle I was sitting kept repeating that we should go back, but we went and both of us were completly wet. We entered the audi and Bela commented that I was completely wet.
And I thought I was over it...
The Play started in usual HDC style and I was excited. My first play as an audience. It is a different experience, especially after being a part of the club. I could observe things others couldn't. I could identify flaws, goof-ups and cover-ups and still enjoy the play. There were times when I imagined how I would do it. I could actually pick up their styles, their little signature hand and head movements.
And I thought I was over it...
I enjoyed the play as an audience. I thought about which character would have been given to me had I had not quit. I imagined myself doing those. I went back in time, thinking how the sessions would have been, how had run-throughs been like and how the whole things must have gone through the same old procedure. I imagined myself on the stage and imagined people cheering me, shouting "Go Devansh Go" on my entries. I imagined myself being seen in the trailers and being asked by people about the play and questions "Was that you in the teasers?". I imagined myself being being hugged by my clubmates saying "Phod diya". I imagined myself being welcomed by my wingies and being congratulated on my good performance.
And I still thought I was over it...
"I still feel you shouldn't have quit" said my wingy sitting on my side. I shrugged. He didn't know the whole story. He didn't know how it feels when you get down at the station and there is no one to recieve you. He doesn't know how it feels when your father's eyes don't meet yours when he is talking to you. He doesn't know how it feels when you know what is right but is not happening. He doesn't know the frustrations of leaving your dreams aside for short term happiness. He doesn't know the pangs of priortising and taking the toughest decisions of your life. He doesn't know the pangs of guilt when you have to break several hearts to please one.
And I still thought I was over it...
The Play ended. I had decided to go and meet everyone after the curtaincall. I cheered for everyone as their names were announced. I was alone and perhaps as I felt my shouts were the loudest after their own. The last cast member and I moved towards the stage. It was awkard moving while everyone was moving the opposite side. I stood alone watching them hoping for a face to catch sight of me. But it didn't happen. I called PP to congratulate him. I congratulated Kushal. I congratulated Atin, Kalia. Then AJ tapped me from behind. I congratulated AnT. I met Rachit the Diro.I was looking for DJ who was also the Diro. I found him walking on the stage and I had just opened my mouth to call him when someone called "HDC ON STAGE". Something dropped in my stomach. I turned around. All Clubites were running towards the stage. They were preparing to sing their anthem as they always did after each play as I had done the last year. But tonight they would do it without me. I couldn't face it. I couldnt bear that feeling of nostalgia. I walked towards the exit while behind me they roared "Agar Ho Sake To Ab Koi Shama Jalaiye.." I couldn't believe they were singing this and I was not a part of it. My stomach contracted. I wanted to block that voice but couldn't. It was following me, teasing me. I turned around and saw the huddle, the stomping of feet, the confused first yearites who didn't know what to do just the way I was on my first play. I wanted to run on stage, grab their shoulders and shout " Three cheers for HDC". I wanted to be a part of that beautiful moment of accomplishment which can only be felt. But I was standing there, 100 feet from the stage, staring at them blankly and realizing...
I was not over it...
They were over me.