Innocence

There was no point in saying that I don't want to go. In my family's friend circle, you simply HAVE to go if someons has invited you for dinner. It wasn't that I was busy or something but I was sure to get bored. I couldn't always enjoy the discussions of my father and his colleagues and the kids were too young to engage me in their conversation. So I went reluctantly to change and in 15 minutes we left.

Our hosts had moved into a new house and this was another of their reasons to invite us for dinner in their new home. I was greeted enthusiastically by uncle and aunty as we were meeting after a whole year. My sister went with the elder daughter (who was about her age) and I was left in the drawing room. I looked around for some magazine or something to read when I saw their younger daughter, Surabhi, about 10 years of age coming towards me with her face down and a stomping walk and a mischievous smile on her face. She came, held my hand and tugged me while maintaining the same smile. She wanted me to go with her, but was hesitant to say that in front of everyone else. But she was confident enough to come and take me away. I followed her while she held my hand and I was a little bent. She was too short. She made me sat on a chair and smiled at me in the same mischievous way. I smiled too. I thought she expected me to play with her like her friends. Ishi and Stuti were sitting and chatting about their patterns of tests in school(Both were in 10th). So, Surabhi started speaking(she talked a lot). She told me how she today slapped a guy in the class. She told me that she was the class monitor or something like that and that she was supposed to keep the other students quiet during a class. Yes, during a class. So that guy wouldn't stop talking and she went ahead and slapped him.

"Your teacher didn't tell you off?" I asked.

"No" she replied innocently.

Then she said how that guy was always irritating her in class and that she had actually enjoyed slapping him. And I smiled at her. I smiled at the way she talk, short simple sentences, how she moved her tiny hands to explain the slap, how she would look away midway of her monologue remembering the details, how happy she got when she saw me smiling. She then told me of her hobby classes. I was actually surprised that she took almost daily singing and drawing classes and weekly dance classes. She then showed me her drawing book. She turned the pages for me. I saw there were two same drawings on the same page. One was done by her teacher and the other one was her reproduction. She very excitedly asked me to guess which one was done by hers.  Though it was very obvious,  I deliberately made mistakes which made her even more happier as she slapped her forehead and called me a fool. But I could see that she was happy for my mistakes  glorified herself. Then she showed me her singing copy. She explained to me that she was in third year of her music. I tried to sing a few raagas just to amuse her and she laughed. She laughed as she had no worry in the world. She laughed as if this was the funniest thing she had heard. She again slapped her face and again called me a fool. She then sang it for me properly with her eyes  concentrated on her hands which were playing the taal. I asked her about the raagas and taal. Though I knew about them, I wanted to hear in her words, when she would look at me through her thick glasses and explain things in her innocent way making her best to make me understand and pausing at the end of her explainations to comprehend the smile on my face which could tell her nothing about whether I had understood or not. I would then make a face like kids do when they understand something big and she knew I understood. She again got very happy. We then went for dinner. She sat beside me and ate the quickest and then asked me why I ate so slow. She inquired about how many rotis I ate. She inquired about my favourite vegetables and compared them with hers and got very happy whenever there was a match.

It was time to leave and I couldn't fathom how the hours had passed. When we were going downstairs Surabhi again held my hand and told me something so touching and nice, something that nobody else had never told me. 

"You are so nice. I enjoy it so much when come to my home. I don't enjoy so much with any body else but you"

I couldn't say anything to this. How innocently, how simply she had something that most find so difficult to say. How she had developed a liking for me when I made no great effort to make her happy. How my small acts to amuse were so big for her that she thought I was so caring for her when actually I was not. How untouched she was by the ways and complexities of the world. How unconditional  and pure were her feelings for me. I was so much touched by her innocence. Maybe it was because I was interacting with a kid after such a long time. I kept thinking about her all the way to home. 

We generally take the people who love us the most for granted - our parents and these little kids who awe at people elder than themselves. They are waiting to spread their love. Give them a little show of affection and see the love and affection they give you in return.

What's The Point??

What's the point??

Maybe there is no point now but maybe there is in the future.

Maybe there is no point for you but there is may be for someone else.

Maybe you don't see the point now and see will later.

Maybe there is a point and you are ignoring it.

So hope, there is a "point", hope some good comes out of it, hope that someone else benefits from it, hope that you see the "point" sooner or later, because there is no such thing happening around you which does not have a "point" 

Priorities And Decisions

And I thought I was over it. ..
HDC Play...
Tomorrow is CP2 online and here I was in Auditorium with some wingies waiting for the play to start.
And I thought I was over it...
I met people from the club in the aisle. They greeted me enthusiastically. It was raining heavily and the guy on whose cycle I was sitting kept repeating that we should go back, but we went and both of us were completly wet. We entered the audi and Bela commented that I was completely wet.
And I thought I was over it...
The Play started in usual HDC style and I was excited. My first play as an audience. It is a different experience, especially after being a part of the club. I could observe things others couldn't. I could identify flaws, goof-ups and cover-ups and still enjoy the play. There were times when I imagined how I would do it. I could actually pick up their styles, their little signature hand and head movements.
And I thought I was over it...
I enjoyed the play as an audience. I thought about which character would have been given to me had I had not quit. I imagined myself doing those. I went back in time, thinking how the sessions would have been, how had run-throughs been like and how the whole things must have gone through the same old procedure. I imagined myself on the stage and imagined people cheering me, shouting "Go Devansh Go" on my entries. I imagined myself being seen in the trailers and being asked by people about the play and questions "Was that you in the teasers?". I imagined myself being being hugged by my clubmates saying "Phod diya". I imagined myself being welcomed by my wingies and being congratulated on my good performance.
And I still thought I was over it...
"I still feel you shouldn't have quit" said my wingy sitting on my side. I shrugged. He didn't know the whole story. He didn't know how it feels when you get down at the station and there is no one to recieve you. He doesn't know how it feels when your father's eyes don't meet yours when he is talking to you. He doesn't know how it feels when you know what is right but is not happening. He doesn't know the frustrations of leaving your dreams aside for short term happiness. He doesn't know the pangs of priortising and taking the toughest decisions of your life. He doesn't know the pangs of guilt when you have to break several hearts to please one.
And I still thought I was over it...
The Play ended. I had decided to go and meet everyone after the curtaincall. I cheered for everyone as their names were announced. I was alone and perhaps as I felt my shouts were the loudest after their own. The last cast member and I moved towards the stage. It was awkard moving while everyone was moving the opposite side. I stood alone watching them hoping for a face to catch sight of me. But it didn't happen. I called PP to congratulate him. I congratulated Kushal. I congratulated Atin, Kalia. Then AJ tapped me from behind. I congratulated AnT. I met Rachit the Diro.I was looking for DJ who was also the Diro. I found him walking on the stage and I had just opened my mouth to call him when someone called "HDC ON STAGE". Something dropped in my stomach. I turned around. All Clubites were running towards the stage. They were preparing to sing their anthem as they always did after each play as I had done the last year. But tonight they would do it without me. I couldn't face it. I couldnt bear that feeling of nostalgia. I walked towards the exit while behind me they roared "Agar Ho Sake To Ab Koi Shama Jalaiye.." I couldn't believe they were singing this and I was not a part of it. My stomach contracted. I wanted to block that voice but couldn't. It was following me, teasing me. I turned around and saw the huddle, the stomping of feet, the confused first yearites who didn't know what to do just the way I was on my first play. I wanted to run on stage, grab their shoulders and shout " Three cheers for HDC". I wanted to be a part of that beautiful moment of accomplishment which can only be felt. But I was standing there, 100 feet from the stage, staring at them blankly and realizing...
I was not over it...
They were over me.