Sunday, 16 November 2008

Sometimes I feel like a fool...

Sometimes I feel like a fool
in a crowded road
people passing by
blind by choice
unconcerned 
unheeding

Sometimes I feel like a fool
amongst sneering faces
prisoned by egos
released on surrender
superior
yet inferior

Sometimes I feel like a fool
running against time
chasing images
creations of experience
walls against time
to noone's satisfaction

Sometimes I feel like a fool
looking by my shoulder
the graceful silhoutte
trying to keep up
moving through me
running ahead 

Sometimes I feel like a fool
in the crowded road
planets around my head
bumping into noone
a lost face glaring at mine
under his breath said,

"Sometimes I feel like a fool"



Saturday, 8 November 2008

The Wait Is Forever

I am waiting.
I was sitting on a bench, thinking when the train would come. My ass hurt from sitting on the steel bench for a long time. But I continued sitting. There was some kind of calm associated with that bench.
I am waiting.
There were people around me, reading, looking at their watches now and then, catching glances, asking each other, but waiting. There was a sense of impatience in their movements. I perhaps knew why.
I am waiting.
Suddenly there was a flurry of movements. Some people stood up and moved towards the platform. Only a handful were sitting. Rest all were excited. Their eyes fixed on one end of the platform, hoping for a light or a siren.
I am waiting.
Their faces are lit by a light and a siren blows somewhere. They get very excited. Their faces are shining with happiness. Their wait is over. It was a long wait. 
I am waiting.
The engine comes into view. But it was only the engine. There were no coaches. The engine passed by and the sound faded out. People walk wearily and resumed their usual activities. The people who were already sitting were smirking. There was another announcement. It was the tenth time.
I am waiting.
I had not slept in days. A handful of people around me were sleeping. Suddenly the hard bench looked comforting to me. I laid down.
I am waiting.
I dreamt that there was a huge light on one end of the platform. I heard the faint siren. The people were climbing but wearily. I heard someone call me. I made an effort to get up but failed. I was feeling too heavy. Someone asked in a very soft voice, "Do you want to sleep?". I nodded.
I am waiting.
I wake up suddenly. There was no one around. It was not a dream.
I am waiting.
Now there are no murmurs. There are no impatient movements. There is no excitment. There is no s smirking. There is no announcement. There is no hope. There is no dissapointment. There are no people. There are no benches.
I am still waiting...

Friday, 31 October 2008

I

I
For the beginning and the end
I
For the pram and the cuddling
I
For the first words of understanding
I
For the bench and the shoulderstraps
I
For the mattress and the small wooden bed
I
For the second last seat on the school bus
I
For the position and the trust
An I
For the son and brother
An I
For the hopes and expectations
An I
For the critic's eye
An I
For the input to the machinery
An I 
For the position and reputation
An I
For the desk, chair and computer
An I
For the world to see
I
Hidden inside me
I
For An I 

Thursday, 9 October 2008

Mathura

Last Diwali I visited Mathura after a long time. I was born in Mathura in an ashram named Gayatri Tapobhumi and my grandparents still live there. So I was a bit excited about the visit. And as I was visiting Mathura alone for the first time, mistakes were bound to happen. So I ended up sitting in a bus that moved only after one hour after the moment I sat there. And when I realised that the bus is taking more than the two hours my dad had promised, the bus stopped for lunch and I got down to see 'Mathura Depo' written on the front of the bus which meant that the bus would stop at all possible stops between Delhi and Mathura. Then the voracious driver took almost an hour to eat his lunch. And the guy sitting to my right was an elderly citizen who took more than the one third of the seat sending me and the other guy in a frenzy of adjustments at every speed-breaker. The young guy sitting on my right(who was on the verge of falling from his seat) kept nudging me to tell the old man to "shift". And when the old man  didn't listen, he started making loud comments about old people. Now and then his phone would ring up and he would very heatedly tell them that he was going to be a little late. He then told me that it was his sister's wedding in the evening and it was important for him to reach in time which was going to be unlikely owing to the "depo" bus. Apparently I was not the only fool.

I reached Mathura in four than the two hours I had thought. I came out of the bus, not disgruntled, to my own surprise, and found dad waiting for me. He was amused at the fact that I boarded the "depo" and told me that I should have looked for other buses there. Though I had assured Dad that I would reach all by myself, he had come. I would have loved to reach all by myself. We hired an auto and moved. I had never visited Mathura by a bus so had some difficulty in identifying the roads and streets. But then came the Janmabhumi and I could recognise everything and eagerly looked for the railway track running in the middle of the road and yes, that track was operational! From there I could relate everything to my childhood. It was then that I realised that how less Mathura had changed over the years. There were the same shops, same roads, same streets and the same line of shops that never opened. I was amazed at how little development this place has seen in the past few years.  

We reached the Tapobhumi in about 10 minutes. The Tapobhumi is kind of fortified with the walls bearing quotes of the founder Shree Ram Sharma Acharya. Dadi was very happy on seeing me. Like everyone else she said that I had grown up a lot in these years and that I had grown very thin. She also commented on my "long" hair. Though they were nowhere near what is called long nowadays, she had always seen me in short hair. So, after turning a deaf ear to my protests of no-hunger( I never feel hungry after or during travel ), lunch was served and I then sat to chat with my sister who was bursting to talk to me from the moment I had arrived. She had been running around me, staring at me and others to quieten her impatience. So, I talked (or rather listened) to her about all the things that 14 year olds have to say. There is a thing about talking to my sister. She immediately makes me forget about other things and it is the next thing to food that makes me feel home. 

In the evening I accompanied Dad to the Chowk, the local bazaar there. We reached the Tapobhumi gate and waited for rickshaw. A rickshaw came whose rider was a thin frail old man with clothes ragged and extremely dirty. His limbs were like two black bamboo sticks and there was a look on his face that disturbed you. The man was not in pain but yet the look made you feel pity for him. He came and stood in front of us. He agreed to go to Chowk for 20 rupees. I wondered, Chowk was almost a kilometer from here, and the guy was charging a meagre amount. And then I was very much displeased when my Dad bargained with him. We sat and the man began to pull and when the rickshaw gathered speed he climbed and started pedalling slowly increasing the force and moving his limbs in rhythmic movements. The roads were bad but made worse when observed from here when each bump and pothole tried to put his efforts to vain. I observed the puller as he pedalled and shouted as people tried to come his way, as he tried to avoid potholes only to fall prey to another. Then came a slope where the puller got down and started to pull the rickshaw by hand. And I sat there like an idiot. Then Dad told me to get down and walk this part of the road. I got down. To this the rickshaw puller told me not to do so, but I nevertheless got down. It was maybe against his dignity. He then started to pull faster. The roads got narrower. And I saw his face again and there was the same look that troubled me. It would never leave him. Had it become a part of him? Then the slope ended and I climbed up again. We passed a school that my bua used to attend when she was young. Then we passed a police station where cops were sitting outside the ancient building which they had for a police station in their vests and beating the heat with handmade fans. I suddenly felt a sense of deja vu and looked around to see the a tea shop and everything came in a rush. The street, the ancient houses that looked like that lie ahead, the shops, and another school in which I had never seen any student.  I remembered the drains running below the narrow roads. I remembered the drain covers and how the rickshaw used to rattle when they came across. And then I remembered the Chowk, with it's numerous streets crisscrossing each other at various intersections. Where wise is the one who is not in a car. Where children naughtily hang at the back of rickshaws without the puller and blew crackers in the middle of the street. I looked at the grocery shops, the bangle shops, the clothes shop and nothing had changed. I looked at the Mosque standing in the middle of the Chowk and towering everything around it. And I realised that nothing had changed here. Absolutely nothing. There were the same shops selling the same goods as they had been selling for years. There were the same kind of people moving around. There was no shops selling computers. The people here were untouched by that technology. There were retail stores of branded goods except Bata. Grocery shops still used the same beam balance and stones as weights to replace the lost weight. Mobile phone is the only tchnology that has trickled down successfully. Then we moved onto the sabji mandi. Vendors were sitting on ground with their vegetables laid around them. Cows and buyers moved alike among them, the only difference being that cows were treated with slaps by the vendors . Cows would moo their disapproval at this behaviour. My dad moved around them and some of the vendors recognised my dad. I was surprised. It had been 23 years since my father had left Mathura and still there were the same vendors. They had not moved on. The only change now was that they had their son sitting beside them. Then there was a vendor who gave us half a kilo of pumpkin without weighing. When we asked him to weight he snorted and weighed. It was exactly half a kilo. 

As we moved on we saw a man on a cycle draped with the poster of a man giving a very fake modest smile and a very big loudpspeaker loaded on the handle of the cycle. It was for the campaigning for some local elections. The name of the candidate was Arjun Singh which reminded me of the cabinet minister of the same name who is not very popular among students.
And as we walked through the market, more and more of these rickshaw campaigners moved around us. Although nobody showed any interest in them I tried to hear whenever one passed by. Hearing all the falsehood being projected so loudly made the situation even more sarcastic. 

I always heard that UP has a hopeless government. But hearing and experiencing are two different things and latter creates a more larger impact. As my eyes moved around I could actually feel the gravity of the problem, of the future repercussions this situation may have. What do the people of this city feel when they see other cities, other people. But then the people of Mathura have always been very religious due to it's history. They are happy with what they have. But then they are being decieved. They are not being given what they deserve. I suddenly started seeing the futility of my education. What am I doing? I go to some classes. I watch some critically acclaimed movies, big deal.  What use is all that? People at college lay so much stress on enjoying life. It all seemed so sarcastic at that moment. All my study seems fruitless when I see all this. But what can I do? Do I join politics? No, I don't want to do that. No one wants to get their hands dirty. But my inactiveness would also not calm me. 

It was now time to go back and on my insistence we hired an tempo, as they are called here, on a shared basis. I kept thinking the same things on the way back with no conclusion. On reaching home, I tried to divert my mind. I sat down in front of the TV. I remembered that only a few years back there was no TV here. I remembered how I used to spend time playing and drawing when I used to come here as a child. I used to play with the children in the neighbourhood, who went to Hindi medium schools and had never watched TV in their life. Earlier I used to bond with them so well. Now I feel a wide gap between them and me. My English education had, perhaps seperated me from them. 

After a few days I remembered that there was a small cluster of mudhouses behind the Tapobhumi. The maids and all used to come from there.  I also remembered some farmlands around the houses. I went to the window to have a look at how much they have changed. and I was in a for a surprise. There were no mudhouses. There were small tenaments and three or four of them were proper tenaments. And they were decently decorated for Diwali. And as I saw I could remember that the last time I had seen this place there was some definitely some construction going on. But still I had never thought that the mudhouses would be replaced by tenaments. I saw a small girl in a nice salwar lighting diyas on the boundary wall of her house. Some small boys were lighting crackers in the pre-diwali enthusiasm. There was also a car outside one of the houses. I saw a women going across to their neighbours to gift some sweets. I don't know how they had managed to move ahead in these years considering that they were not very highly educated. I just knew that what I was witnessing was the fruit of a man's hard work. 
And as I happily sat down on a chair I could again hear another one of those rickshaw campaigners proclaiming that a certain Uma Joshi had won the elections and will fulfill her promise of a developed and properous Mathura.

Thursday, 18 September 2008

Innocence

There was no point in saying that I don't want to go. In my family's friend circle, you simply HAVE to go if someons has invited you for dinner. It wasn't that I was busy or something but I was sure to get bored. I couldn't always enjoy the discussions of my father and his colleagues and the kids were too young to engage me in their conversation. So I went reluctantly to change and in 15 minutes we left.
Our hosts had moved into a new house and this was another of their reasons to invite us for dinner in their new home. I was greeted enthusiastically by uncle and aunty as we were meeting after a whole year. My sister went with the elder daughter (who was about her age) and I was left in the drawing room. I looked around for some magazine or something to read when I saw their younger daughter, Surabhi, about 10 years of age coming towards me with her face down and a stomping walk and a mischievous smile on her face. She came, held my hand and tugged me while maintaining the same smile. She wanted me to go with her, but was hesitant to say that in front of everyone else. But she was confident enough to come and take me away. I followed her while she held my hand and I was a little bent. She was too short. She made me sat on a chair and smiled at me in the same mischievous way. I smiled too. I thought she expected me to play with her like her friends. Ishi and Stuti were sitting and chatting about their patterns of tests in school(Both were in 10th). So, Surabhi started speaking(she talked a lot). She told me how she today slapped a guy in the class. She told me that she was the class monitor or something like that and that she was supposed to keep the other students quiet during a class. Yes, during a class. So that guy wouldn't stop talking and she went ahead and slapped him.
"Your teacher didn't tell you off?" I asked.
"No" she replied innocently.
Then she said how that guy was always irritating her in class and that she had actually enjoyed slapping him. And I smiled at her. I smiled at the way she talk, short simple sentences, how she moved her tiny hands to explain the slap, how she would look away midway of her monologue remembering the details, how happy she got when she saw me smiling. She then told me of her hobby classes. I was actually surprised that she took almost daily singing and drawing classes and weekly dance classes. She then showed me her drawing book. She turned the pages for me. I saw there were two same drawings on the same page. One was done by her teacher and the other one was her reproduction. She very excitedly asked me to guess which one was done by hers.  Though it was very obvious,  I deliberately made mistakes which made her even more happier as she slapped her forehead and called me a fool. But I could see that she was happy for my mistakes  glorified herself. Then she showed me her singing copy. She explained to me that she was in third year of her music. I tried to sing a few raagas just to amuse her and she laughed. She laughed as she had no worry in the world. She laughed as if this was the funniest thing she had heard. She again slapped her face and again called me a fool. She then sang it for me properly with her eyes  concentrated on her hands which were playing the taal. I asked her about the raagas and taal. Though I knew about them, I wanted to hear in her words, when she would look at me through her thick glasses and explain things in her innocent way making her best to make me understand and pausing at the end of her explainations to comprehend the smile on my face which could tell her nothing about whether I had understood or not. I would then make a face like kids do when they understand something big and she knew I understood. She again got very happy. We then went for dinner. She sat beside me and ate the quickest and then asked me why I ate so slow. She inquired about how many rotis I ate. She inquired about my favourite vegetables and compared them with hers and got very happy whenever there was a match.
It was time to leave and I couldn't fathom how the hours had passed. When we were going downstairs Surabhi again held my hand and told me something so touching and nice, something that nobody else had never told me. 

"You are so nice. I enjoy it so much when come to my home. I don't enjoy so much with any body else but you"

I couldn't say anything to this. How innocently, how simply she had something that most find so difficult to say. How she had developed a liking for me when I made no great effort to make her happy. How my small acts to amuse were so big for her that she thought I was so caring for her when actually I was not. How untouched she was by the ways and complexities of the world. How unconditional  and pure were her feelings for me. I was so much touched by her innocence. Maybe it was because I was interacting with a kid after such a long time. I kept thinking about her all the way to home. 
We generally take the people who love us the most for granted - our parents and these little kids who awe at people elder than themselves. They are waiting to spread their love. Give them a little show of affection and see the love and affection they give you in return.

Friday, 12 September 2008

What's The Point??

What's the point??

Maybe there is no point now but maybe there is in the future.
Maybe there is no point for you but there is may be for someone else.
Maybe you don't see the point now and see will later.
Maybe there is a point and you are ignoring it.

So hope, there is a "point", hope some good comes out of it, hope that someone else benefits from it, hope that you see the "point" sooner or later, because there is no such thing happening around you which does not have a "point" 

Saturday, 6 September 2008

Priorities And Decisions

And I thought I was over it. ..
HDC Play...
Tomorrow is CP2 online and here I was in Auditorium with some wingies waiting for the play to start.
And I thought I was over it...
I met people from the club in the aisle. They greeted me enthusiastically. It was raining heavily and the guy on whose cycle I was sitting kept repeating that we should go back, but we went and both of us were completly wet. We entered the audi and Bela commented that I was completely wet.
And I thought I was over it...
The Play started in usual HDC style and I was excited. My first play as an audience. It is a different experience, especially after being a part of the club. I could observe things others couldn't. I could identify flaws, goof-ups and cover-ups and still enjoy the play. There were times when I imagined how I would do it. I could actually pick up their styles, their little signature hand and head movements.
And I thought I was over it...
I enjoyed the play as an audience. I thought about which character would have been given to me had I had not quit. I imagined myself doing those. I went back in time, thinking how the sessions would have been, how had run-throughs been like and how the whole things must have gone through the same old procedure. I imagined myself on the stage and imagined people cheering me, shouting "Go Devansh Go" on my entries. I imagined myself being seen in the trailers and being asked by people about the play and questions "Was that you in the teasers?". I imagined myself being being hugged by my clubmates saying "Phod diya". I imagined myself being welcomed by my wingies and being congratulated on my good performance.
And I still thought I was over it...
"I still feel you shouldn't have quit" said my wingy sitting on my side. I shrugged. He didn't know the whole story. He didn't know how it feels when you get down at the station and there is no one to recieve you. He doesn't know how it feels when your father's eyes don't meet yours when he is talking to you. He doesn't know how it feels when you know what is right but is not happening. He doesn't know the frustrations of leaving your dreams aside for short term happiness. He doesn't know the pangs of priortising and taking the toughest decisions of your life. He doesn't know the pangs of guilt when you have to break several hearts to please one.
And I still thought I was over it...
The Play ended. I had decided to go and meet everyone after the curtaincall. I cheered for everyone as their names were announced. I was alone and perhaps as I felt my shouts were the loudest after their own. The last cast member and I moved towards the stage. It was awkard moving while everyone was moving the opposite side. I stood alone watching them hoping for a face to catch sight of me. But it didn't happen. I called PP to congratulate him. I congratulated Kushal. I congratulated Atin, Kalia. Then AJ tapped me from behind. I congratulated AnT. I met Rachit the Diro.I was looking for DJ who was also the Diro. I found him walking on the stage and I had just opened my mouth to call him when someone called "HDC ON STAGE". Something dropped in my stomach. I turned around. All Clubites were running towards the stage. They were preparing to sing their anthem as they always did after each play as I had done the last year. But tonight they would do it without me. I couldn't face it. I couldnt bear that feeling of nostalgia. I walked towards the exit while behind me they roared "Agar Ho Sake To Ab Koi Shama Jalaiye.." I couldn't believe they were singing this and I was not a part of it. My stomach contracted. I wanted to block that voice but couldn't. It was following me, teasing me. I turned around and saw the huddle, the stomping of feet, the confused first yearites who didn't know what to do just the way I was on my first play. I wanted to run on stage, grab their shoulders and shout " Three cheers for HDC". I wanted to be a part of that beautiful moment of accomplishment which can only be felt. But I was standing there, 100 feet from the stage, staring at them blankly and realizing...
I was not over it...
They were over me.